Once more, since there is a wealth of existing literature on this topic, I’ll concentrate on the foundational elements I’ve found to be most valuable:
Speak their Love Language
From a young age, many of us are taught to empathize with others using the Golden Rule: treating others the way we would like to be treated ourselves. If we would feel hurt by being made fun of, we shouldn’t make fun of others either. This is basic etiquette. If you truly want others to listen and feel valued, apply the Platinum Rule (there’s a whole book about this with the same title as well):
Do unto others what they would like done unto themselves.
Just because you value gifts of appreciation for your efforts doesn’t mean others value them equally. Someone else might be more strongly motivated by words of praise instead. This necessitates a more thoughtful approach. Learn about the preferences of others and be attentive to them to truly make them shine.
A great book on this topic is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. While it primarily focuses on love and relationships, the general principle translates well to leadership and management too. The five languages are:
| Words of Affirmation: | Praise, Encouragement. |
| Acts of Service: | Sacrifice, Thoughtful gestures. |
| Receiving Gifts: | Not dependent on the cost, the thought behind the gift counts too. |
| Quality Time: | Attention. Could be in the form of direct mentorship or hands-on coaching. |
| Physical Touch: | The only one inappropriate for the workplace! |
Instead of BUT, say AND
When providing feedback, if you follow up a positive sentence with a “BUT…”, it discredits everything that came before it. It makes a person feel bad because it insinuates criticism of what they’ve done.
“AND…” allows us to explore ways to improve without discounting all the positive work done so far.
The Power of Questioning
“Reactance” or “authority resistance” occurs when individuals perceive a threat to their freedom or autonomy, leading them to resist attempts to control or influence their behavior, particularly by authority figures.
Avoid telling people what to do or imposing prescriptions. Instead, even if you already know what they should be doing, use questioning to create room for collaboration. People are more willing to buy into an improvement plan if they are involved in coming up with the solution. For example:
You: “Why were you late to work today?”
Questioning instead of stating the obvious also ensures you’re not jumping the gun on making assumptions. Yes, they were late, but perhaps you didn’t know they had a justifiable reason for being so.
Maybe they stopped to help someone fix their car.
Maybe there was an accident on their way to work.
Them: “I missed the bus”
Even if they were late because of a poor excuse, don’t chastise them right away. Proceed with questioning to coach them into independently reasoning out a solution that prevents it from happening again.
You: “Why did you miss the bus?”
Them: “The bus I catch to work is supposed to arrive at 6.30am, but it arrived earlier than planned today.”
You: “What can you do to prevent that from happening in the future?”
Them: “I guess I could wake up a few minutes earlier to be at the bus stop earlier in case it arrives ahead of schedule or I could catch the bus before that.”
Other ways to question include:
“Why did you do it this way?”
“How can we improve this for the future?”
Or even using a less assumptive like “Let us suppose…” This is especially useful for ambiguous “he said, she said” situations where it’s unclear which side is telling the truth or in situations caused by misunderstandings among multiple parties.