Not a sales-related section, but while we’re on the topic, even the age-old question of how to live a happy life can be boiled down to expectations. I’m personally agnostic, but a lesson I’ve learned from Buddhism comes to mind: Suffering stems from desires and attachment.
Attachment as a Form of Expectation
We become overly reliant on an outcome or experience. Holding a notion of how situations should unfold and incorrectly associating achieving or obtaining it with a sense of security, pleasure, happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, or completeness. This expectation can be a source of anxiety and disappointment if the outcome doesn’t align with our desires, leading to cravings and suffering.
When we are attached to a certain person, situation, or possession, we resist the natural impermanence of life and the inevitability of change. Expecting things to remain constant when they never will leads to suffering.
Attachment also manifests as an identification with possessions, relationships, or roles. We come to expect that these external factors define our identity and sense of self. When these external factors change or are lost, suffering arises due to the unmet expectations tied to identity. For instance, someone may incorrectly expect and associate the possession of a luxurious car with a sense of success. Losing it would result in grief as their sense of self-worth or identity as a successful person is threatened.
Buddhism encourages the cultivation of contentment (santutthi) as an antidote to incessant wanting. Recognizing and appreciating what one has in the present moment, rather than constantly seeking more or different experiences, leads to a sense of inner peace. This can be achieved by acknowledging and letting go of rigid expectations, understanding the transient nature of experiences, and embracing the present without being overly attached to the past (comparing what we have with what we had) or the future (living in anticipation of certain outcomes). By doing so, we can reduce suffering and find a deeper sense of contentment that is not dependent on external circumstances meeting unrealistic expectations.
But! If you’re a lifelong learner with a growth mindset like me, are you doomed to a life of unhappiness? While expecting less makes you happier, this principle doesn’t apply universally. It may bring bliss in the short-term, but ignoring long-term consequences is risky. Would it be better to experience a moment of joy and then die tomorrow? Or endure some pain to enjoy months or years of happiness afterward?
“It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied;
– John Stuart Mill, English Philosopher
better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied.
And if the fool, or the pig, has a different opinion,
it is because they only know their own side of the question.”
You’ve heard sayings like “Eliminate all desires” or “If you want to be happy, stop trying to be happy”. These suggest that happiness contradicts ambition; if you desire more or aim high, you won’t truly be happy because you don’t learn to appreciate what you already have. This interpretation is incorrect. You can aim high, yet still enjoy the journey and be happy with what you have, even if you don’t hit your targets.
This is where words, semantics, and language make all the difference. Instead of “Eliminate all desires”, think “Eliminate all expectations”. Remove all expectations you have attached to an outcome.
To desire is to want, to wish for.
To expect is to look for, to look forward to, to have a previous apprehension of, or to anticipate.
Children are joyous not because they lack desires, but instead because they lack experience. Without experience, they have nothing to look forward to, no previous apprehensions, and they don’t anticipate anything. They have no expectations. Therefore, when something happens, they live it in the purest moment. As they grow, they start to learn and build experience. Initially, with limited experience, children have low expectations. When something happens that exceeds their expectations, they are delighted. However, as they accumulate experience through consistent exposure, they begin to solidify their expectations. If something happens and it fails to meet their expectations, they are disappointed.
Framing it as expectations instead of desires helps explain why:
You can still be ambitious and yet be happy
If you aim high but don’t hold any expectations of what the journey to your destination will look like, you’ll better enjoy the journey.
You can still be a happy philosopher
Don’t pursue knowledge holding the belief that this is how things should be. Instead, be open and marvel at what you learn in the process.
Accident victims can live happier lives than lottery winners
Eventually, the thrill of winning the lottery will wear off. If all experiences are judged by the extent to which they depart from a baseline of past experience, gradually even the most positive events will cease to have an impact as they are absorbed into the new baseline against which further events are judged. Thus, as lottery winners become accustomed to the additional pleasures made possible by their new wealth, these pleasures are experienced as less intense and no longer contribute much to their general level of happiness. Expectation breeds a sense of entitlement. When you compare your current situation with an idealized or desired state and believe you deserve something more but fail to get it, it only leads to disappointment.
Mindfulness, being present, and living in the moment = happiness
When you’re in the moment, there is only now. There is no “what if?” or expectation of the future. There is no “it should have been” and no comparative expectation with what happened in the past. Without expectation, you are left with only being. When you are simply being, everything exceeds your expectations, and that makes you happy!
Expectation even explains how the 100% rule of fully committing affects satisfaction and happiness
Take relationships as an example. Options are usually a good thing. With choice, you have the ability to choose the “best” possible match/outcome. However, like many other things in life, most of you theoretically have unlimited options when it comes to relationships. It becomes crippling when we avoid fully committing to a relationship because we think “There are other available options out there, there must be a better fit”. Sorry to burst your bubble, but there is no such thing as a perfect or destined partner! That is a fictional fairy tale. Look at enduring relationships around you. The strength of a relationship comes from the unwavering commitment each person gives to the other. It’s normal to fantasize about others; however, if you are unable to commit to a relationship, you won’t end up in a strong one and be truly satisfied. I’m not a professional relationship coach, but here is what I’ve learned:
- It isn’t bad to have high standards. I’m not saying you should settle for subpar.
- Date a little before you commit. It’ll allow you to differentiate between what’s good, bad, and a fit for you.
- Once you’ve found something that fits your criteria (or closely), there’s value in accepting and learning to settle for what you have instead of endlessly pursuing an unachievable standard of perfection (don’t harbor unrealistic expectations).
- When you’re ready to commit, remove yourself from the dating pool.
Besides relationships, expectations of “what could be” that stem from unlimited choices also affect us in many other ways: The more houses you see, the less satisfied you will be with your final purchase. The more job applications you receive, the less satisfied you’ll be with the candidate you end up hiring. It is prevalent to the point that there exists an entire field of mathematical research dedicated to this topic known as Optimal Stopping.
Expectations are Good too
Expectations aren’t all bad. It’s unrealistic to say that we can rid ourselves of all expectations. Humans are creatures of meaning, constantly seeking patterns in various aspects of life. Expecting is a central part of how we learn and grow, and is both a normal and a necessary aspect of our lives.
This is also reflected in the Buddhist concept of the Middle Way, which advocates avoiding extremes. Buddhism doesn’t advocate for the complete elimination of all desires and expectations, as some can be wholesome and contribute to well-being. For instance,
Motivation + Growth: Expectations serve as motivators that spur growth and improvement. They give us a sense of purpose and direction. Contentment and a complete lack thereof lead to a sedentary mindset and lifestyle.
Planning and preparation: We can’t make plans without attaching some sense of consistency to predicted outcomes. While we shouldn’t expect outcomes to always be consistent, it’s practical to make predictions with a reasonable level of certainty. This helps us set priorities and take proactive steps to influence our lives.
Positive Anticipation: Anticipation itself can also bring excitement, joy, and a sense of accomplishment if we relish it in the present without becoming overly attached to the actual outcomes. For example, looking forward to a vacation, a celebration, or a personal achievement can enhance the overall happiness associated with these events.
Relationships and Communication: Clearly communicating and expressing our expectations in relationships helps each other understand what we expect from one another. Being clear about these expectations and sharing what we expect helps contribute to a healthy relationship, reducing disagreements or disappointment that stem from one party silently harboring unmet expectations of the other.
The Middle Way encourages a balanced and mindful approach to expectations, avoiding both indulgence and extreme asceticism. It isn’t about the complete abandonment of expectations, but instead, it involves acknowledging and accepting what is, what we have, and what we expect.
Expectations and Humor
The comprehension of expectations can also enlighten us on humor. We laugh at a punchline or a pun because it is something that makes sense yet is unexpected. Said best in this article by Sam McNerney:
“Despite their surface diversity, most jokes are built using the same set of blueprints: they lead us down a path of expectations, build up tension, and at the end, introduce a twist that teases our initial expectations in a clever way. Humor arrives when we figure out how the punch line both broke and fulfilled our expectations. When this occurs, we experience mirth, the reward of successfully connecting the dots of a joke. It’s the “a-ha” moment of comedy, or what we feel when we “get” it.”
For this reason, it’s difficult to replicate humor, and it has become increasingly challenging to create funny content in today’s digital landscape where everyone has been exposed to different variations of the same joke and can predict what comes next.
These are a few of the many lessons sales has taught me about life, and I thought it meaningful to share it with you as well. On the sales front, understanding this helps us better manage our customer’s experience and also helps build resiliency. Attaching anticipated outcomes to our interactions makes it easy for us to feel disheartened when prospects walk away. It’s also challenging not to take rejection personally, given our conditioned expectation of acceptance as an integral part of our identity.